When I was in a Sophomore in High school, I started the process of memorizing Proverbs 31. Why? Because I was now allowed to date of course! I figured that if I wanted to make good decisions about who I dated, then I should know God’s presentation of the ideal woman.

I stopped around verse 20 when my mother found out what I was doing. She told me with a little motherly alarm, “If I knew a man had Proverbs 31 memorized, I would never have dated him.” For a woman to know she was being actively compared to that paragon of feminine virtue was just too much pressure, and a man who memorized that passage was an odd duck anyway. Heeding her advice, I stopped.

Continuing through life, the trend that started with my mother continued among other women, old and young. Proverbs 31 was something of a taboo. No woman wanted to be reminded of this feminine ideal, and the reason is that it is impossible for a fair-minded Christian woman to look at Proverbs 31 without seeing the discrepancy between herself and this industrious, wise, disciplined, and ever-cheerful wife.

This is a woman as comfortable working with her own hands (Prov 31:13, 19) as she is around the kitchen (Prov 31:15) as she is making clothes (Prov 31:22, 23) as she is running a business including both agricultural management and imported goods (Prov 31:14, 16, 18). In addition to her industrial pursuits, her domestic life is pristine. This woman’s children and household staff are well-provided for (Prov 31:15, 21, 27), her marriage redounds to the benefit of herself and her husband (Prov 31:10-12, 23), and her family outright gushes over her skill and virtue (Prov 31:28-30). On top of all her business and domestic success, this woman’s virtue and maturity are displayed in her charity to the poor (Prov 31:20) and her wise and gentle instruction to others (Prov 31:26). No wonder such a paragon of a woman is able to laugh at the future when she walks in radiant divine grace (Prov 31:25).

This is the woman who fears Yahweh (Prov 31:30), and God sets it down as the ideal for which his daughters are to strive.

Furthermore, Proverbs 31 is not written to a woman. Proverbs 31 is written to a man in part to instruct him in his selection of a wife (Prov 31:1-3). Lemuel is to avoid the worthless woman (Prov 31:3) and to instead choose the woman worth more than jewels (Prov 31:10). In other words, a woman is not only compared by God to the Proverbs 31 woman, but God also instructs all his sons to compare prospective wives with this ideal as well.

A woman who reads Proverbs 31 is judged both by herself and by the world in comparison to this unreachable pinnacle of femininity.

No wonder it can be hard to look at. Who enjoys being faced with everything they could be and seeing every flaw and shortcoming in the reflection? As a man who has read Ephesians 5:25-33 and Job 31, I know the feeling. It’s not pleasant.

However, there is a reason I think Christian women should be thrilled to have Proverbs 31 in the Bible. There are several, actually. But, I’ll limit myself to one.

What is a Woman Good For?

When I was growing up, I watched the 1994 movie The Swan Princess several times. One of the key scenes is an early conversation between the Prince Derek and the Princess Odette.

Attempting to propose to the princess, Prince Derek says, “You’re all I ever wanted. You’re beautiful!”

Princess Odette, disconcerted, replies, “Thank you, but what else? Is beauty all that matters to you?”

Prince Derek, after some confused anxiety, frankly replies, “What else is there?” What follows is the groaning of every grey-haired adult watching the interaction.

Oof. Could you imagine a faster way for a romance to crash and burn before it ever leaves the runway? I would have a very hard time thinking of one myself.

Why is that the case? Is not beauty something to be admired? What woman is there who does not want to be honestly told that she is beautiful?

But when beauty is the only thing a woman offers, the rest of her humanity is degraded, despised, and ignored. If all you see is a woman’s beauty, you have failed to see the woman. If all you value is a woman’s appearance, you cheapen the human underneath that skin.

Even so, how often in history is a woman valued only for what she can offer a man’s hedonistic desires or ambitious pursuits? Especially for a royal or rich man like King Lemuel, how often would a woman be married for the political prominence of her father, the fertility of her womb, the size of her dowry, or the loveliness of her features? The answer is: very often.

“Babe, go rear my heirs, give me that sweet money, and try on that dress I got you. If you want to put that pretty face to good use, I can think of something much better than using it to explain your silly ideas. Ideas are for men. Go back to your embroidery and hairstyles.”

As a cherry on top, once the wife gets some stretch marks and wrinkles, a mistress can provide what the older model is no longer good for.

History is a rough place.

But that’s the point. Proverbs 31 isn’t history. Proverbs 31 is a call to be more than what’s natural. Men are called to seek more than their basest desires beckon for. Men are called to love a woman for the person she is and not the fading external appearance.

When women are offended by the presence of Proverbs 31 in the Bible, I often wonder if they would prefer for Proverbs 31 to not be in the Bible. Perhaps they would have liked it better if God told men, “Don’t worry about virtue, competence, intelligence, or skill in a woman. Just marry a hottie and call it good.” For some women, they would like that better. It’s easier to be attractive than it is to be excellent. If the measure of a woman is how often she turns male heads, then that’s good enough. At least, it is for now.

God, on the other hand, believes a woman is good for more than her superficialities. God believes that women are equally as made in his image their male counterparts (Gen 1:26-27), and thus they are called to be more than an object for a man’s gaze.

Now, that’s not a knock on women being physically attractive to men. Or, more specifically, wives being attractive to their husbands. Song of Solomon does not degrade the joy that comes from a husband and wife who adore the sight of one another (Song 4:1-15; 5:9-16), and God puts that forward as part of his ideal for marriage. However, God also issues a command to men to foster continued enjoyment of their wives’ physical bodies for their entire lives, long after their twenties are decades past (Prov 5:15-20). Even so, it is instructive that a man’s exhilaration at the sight of his wife is only secondarily related to her appearance. It is primarily a function of his own shaping of his desires to be for his woman’s body and not the body itself.

Consider even the explicit command to devalue mere beauty in the absence of other virtues in Proverbs 11:19, “Like a gold ring in the nose of a pig is a beautiful woman who rejects discretion” (AT). If beauty is all a woman has, she hasn’t got much. Compare that with a world of men who naturally think that if a woman doesn’t have beauty, then it doesn’t matter what else she does have. Is that the mentality that women wish God had encouraged?

Instead, God has called every woman to the vigorous development of her intellect, virtue, self-discipline, competence, wisdom, kindness, and relationship to God himself. In fact, he has called his sons to look for exactly this woman who is treading God’s prescribed path. When his single sons find such a lady, they should try to marry her, have children with her, and grow old with her. She’s a keeper.

Even in God’s description of the ideal wife, he concludes with the statement, “charm is a lie, and beauty is a vapor. A woman who fears Yahweh? She shall be praised” (Prov 31:30, AT). What makes the ideal woman lovely is not her appearance. Even as the years lessen external beauty, the inner character can become ever more radiant. To a righteous husband, a wife being sanctified will become increasingly more beautiful even while colors fade, skin stretches, faces wrinkle, and bones creak.

God provides women with the feminine ideal of Proverbs 31 precisely because they are more than objects. A woman who gazes into the mirror of Proverbs 31 will see her shortcomings. At the same time, she should see her profound worth.

Ladies, God has provided you with an ideal to strive for. God has called you to be more than you are. God has uncovered your flaws and failures through a painfully high-resolution contrast.

Congratulations, my dear, that is the price of being human. That is the cost of being more than an object. Do you really wish it were any other way?

I don’t like staring into the face God’s masculine ideals any more than you like staring at your feminine ones. Even so, I think it’s worth the trade off.